The Problem With Being Tom
by Mrs Bella Riddle
Summary: Tom Riddle was having a pleasant time in the library when he was interrupted by a crazed visitor from the future. He was quite content to point out the flaws in her plan and he was even able to have a good laugh. For the Parody Competition.


This is written for the Parody Competition at HPFC. It includes time travel the phrase "unjuanty hate", bunnies and hogwash. Considering it is a parody Hermione is obviously OOC and Tom is to a lesser extent. It is about mocking those silly time travel stories which always have the aim to make Tom good and to save the future.

* * *

Tom Riddle was having a very pleasant day. Sure he might have had to change his robes twice after having to brush against a mudblood, but it was better than the sacrifices he had to make when he was in that orphanage. As it ticked over to the evening hours he was even able to reside in the solitude of the library. He was the only one around. The librarian Madam Blishwick had been kind of enough to leave him by himself. It was so easy to win over women with just a few smiles and a wink.

At least he thought he did until his quiet perusal of Medieval Torture Techniques (if he planned to be a Dark Lord he needed to research) was interrupted by the clatter of high heeled shoes. That was enough to get his attention since school girls normally did not wear high heels during the school terms...unless it was another admirer; he had already had to bat away three today! Poor Tom. He had a busy life.

As the girl slinked out from behind the shelves he concluded, if she was trying to be a student, she was doing a poor job: She only wore her white collared shirt forgetting her grey tunic, her robe was only half done up, her shoes were spiked and healed and more like what a woman would wear to a dance and her grey skirt was so high he was sure the professor's would have a fit.

Combined with that the buttons missing on her shirt, the dark makeup around her eyes and the blood red lipstick it all added to the image of her as a tart.

"Yes?" he said with a raise of an eyebrow and with an expectant tone in his voice. He normally would have been polite, but the girl was too strange to bother attempting to be charming.

"Are you Tom Riddle?" she inquired in a voice suggesting she was a woman who attempted to sound controlled but she just sounded needy. He eyed her brown hair that looked like she had attempted to straighten or iron it, yet it still stuck out at an odd angle. She should have just cut it and saved everyone the trouble of having to look at it.

"Yes..." he replied rather bored yet still cautious tone.

The strange girl grinned.

Before he even offered, she pushed aside the books he had placed on the lounge beside him and jumped into the free space.

"I have been looking for you."

_Obviously another stalker. _Inside, Tom sighed. He could only imagine how much female attention he would have when he was the most powerful Dark Lord of all time. Surely he would not end up as a seventy year old, ugly virgin with only one obsessive fan girl of questionable mental state.

"Why?" he inquired shifting in the seat so he was not touching the strange girl.

Her eyes lit up and she seemed to bounce on the cushions.

Tom moved further away.

"You see, Tom, I'm on a _quest_!" She thumped the armrest with passion as if she was waiting for him to be enthused.

He was not. He just thought she was crazy and not in a good way.

"What type of quest?" He did not want to encourage her, but he was curious and he had to know what could inspire such madness. It could be a useful torture technique to utilise in his future career.

She looked like she was about to burst as she replied, "Well I'm Hermione Granger and I come from the future!"

His eyes shot up and it was hard not to laugh. What a ridiculous idea.

"Glossing over the impossibility of such extensive time travel, why would someone bother coming to the past?"

"I'm on a que-"

"Yes I get that point," Tom interrupted quickly with a scowl. "Just tell me about this quest."

She seemed to hesitate, but her brown eyes were alight and filled with passion. He doubted she would be able to stop talking. It was a bit of a shame. He would have liked a chance to practice his Legilimency.

"Well I'm here to change the future. In my time I suppose you are not the most popular person..." She trailed off, but Tom did not care at all what some crazy woman thought about him. "In fact there is a lot of unjaunty hate for you."

"That does not make any sense."

"It does-"

"No unjaunty hate? What a ridiculous phrase."

"It means.-"

Tom sighed loudly. "Just get on with your quest story."

He thought she was going to continue the pointless debate, though she relented and continued speaking.

"As I was saying in the future there is a lot of _unjaunty _hate for you and for good reason. You killed and tortured hundreds of people, so you have to be stopped!"

Tom's hands closed around the handle of his wand and, before she could react, it was pointed directly between her eyes.

"Just some advice, Hermione," he said calmly despite the threat, "if you intend to kill someone do not tell them first."

After four murders he thought he was an expert.

"I don't plan to kill you." Tom was not convinced and he did not lower his wand. "My quest is to make your fall in love with me so you will not turn evil."

This time he did lower his wand. Tom was not someone to lose his composure, but at that moment he did. Laughter erupted from him in an unusual and scary event as he clutched his ribs. It took several moments of gasping peels of laughing for him to control himself.

"Oh thank you, Hermione," he said, breathing heavily from his fit of laughter, "I have not been so amused for so long."

When he looked up, her lips were pursed and she did not look impressed. "It is not a laughing matter! Love is the ultimate redeeming force and if you-"

"Yes yes I know," Tom droned, sounding rather bored. "It is all about fluffy bunnies and smiles. You will capture my heart and I shall forget my evil ways."

"Exactly!" He was being sarcastic, but the foolish woman did not seem to understand. It only made him chuckle.

"I don't profess to be an expert on love," he began glossing over the obvious psychopathic inability to connect or care for anyone, "but your plan is ridiculous."

"No it is not!" she practically whined crossing her arms over her chest and open buttons on her blouse. "It is perfect and it shall deliver the world from the evil you will bring upon the world."

He sighed as he leaned back into the cushioned surface still a good distance from her. "One," he said as he raised a single finger. "Why would I suddenly fall in love with a stuck up, arrogant, ugly woman who has a muggle name?" He cut her off before she could protest as he raised a second finger. "Two. If I am so evil why would I fall in love at all? And, most importantly three, why would my so called love for you change the course of history?"

She opened her mouth to protest, but he silenced her by raising his three fingers.

"No, there is one more reason." He was smugger now his lips curled into a larger smirk.

"Yes..." she did not seem too eager to hear his reason. It was the only time she had made a correct judgement.

Before she could react he raised his wand and pointed at her. "Avada Kedavra."

As the jet of green light escaped his wand, he collected his books and left the library. He was still chuckling at the thought.

The power of love? What a load of hogwash.


End file.
